Editting Out the Mary Sues
by NekoChicken
Summary: Humour. A girl finds herself in the perfect position to rid the world of a Mary Sue. Rated for language.


Disclaimer: …Come on. You _know_ I'm not JK Rowling. You _know_ I don't own Harry Potter and co. _You_ know _I_ know I'm not JK Rowling. You _know_ you don't want to sue me.

A/N: Random idea that popped into my head. AU, Mary Sues and randomness abound. If you read it, review it… please? Pretty please? I need to know where I'm going wrong (or right, as the case may be).

**Chapter One**** – LOLZ omg Harry Potter liek rox**

I sat on my bed opposite my best friend, unable to believe we were having this argument_ again_.

"Maddie, it's out of character! I'm sorry, but there is no way in Hell that Draco and Harry would put aside their differences just because your character – this Cassandra Rhianna Eveningstar-"

"Ellie! It's Cassandra Rhiannon Morningstarr!" The name itself sent a shiver of dread down my spine.

"Fine, just because whatever her name is tells them to, it's _out of character_," I insisted. Poor Maddie. She's my best friend, and I love her dearly, but she just can't seem to grasp the concept of Mary Sues, or out of character, or any of the other frequent downfalls of fan fiction stories.

"You're just jealous because you wish _you_ were in my Harry Potter stories," she retorted sulkily. She stuck her bottom lip out indignantly, her eyes filling with tears. I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes, and the one to shake her and tell her to act her age, and took a deep breath.

"No, Maddie, I'm fine with you not putting me or a character similar to me in your stories. They're yours; you know I wouldn't dream of intruding unless the situation was dire. I just think your muse has been a bit… off recently," I replied, hoping to appease her tantrumming inner child. She nodded grudgingly, her bottom lip less prominent now, though her eyes were still glistening a little. _Honestly._ She had asked me to edit her story, and after a quick glance at it, I knew I was in trouble. Ridiculous pairings, out-of-character interactions and bad continuity abounded. And that was only the first chapter. And now, how to right the wrongs; our heart-to-heart wasn't going very well, and I was seriously considering staging a full-blown intervention, but I doubted it would make much difference. I pondered the effects of brainwashing for a moment before realising she'd been talking to me.

"Pardon?" I asked.

"I said, you'd make a great original character. What with your hair and those piercings and stuff… I would have to make your eyes a bit more interesting, though. Grey is a bit uninteresting; silver would sound better…" I realised she was just talking for the sake of talking, and that no input from me was necessary, so I sat for a moment just listening, knowing where it was leading.

"Would you mind if I put you in my story? Just as a minor character?" she asked, her eyes shining with inspiration. I sighed. How had the conversation gone from me editing her story to this? I slapped myself mentally for zoning out. When Maddie's on a roll, nothing can stop her. The trick is to stop her before she starts rolling, and I had missed my cue. I nodded, sighing.

"Alright. But I get to pick a name," I replied, and she grinned.

"Okay, but quick question; in the story, who would you like to marry, Harry or Draco?"

Right about then is when I realised I'd have more luck convincing a boulder to become a tree the continuing in my current endeavour, and decided just to leave her to her own devices.

About a week later, I was sitting at my computer at about 3am, chatting to Maddie via instant messaging. I could feel my eyelids drooping, and I was just about to wish her good night and sign off, but as per usual she had something extremely important to tell me just as I was typing goodbye.

TimeTurner2 says: I postd tht stori wth u in it!!!!

Serendipity says: ummm… great. how's it going?

TimeTurner2 says: gr8 3 reviews already

Serendipity says: cool

TimeTurner2 says: heres teh link let me know wht u think lolz riming

Serendipity says: riming?

TimeTurner2 says: yea riming u kno when sumthing rimes

Serendipity says: oh, yeah. i'll check it out

TimeTurner2 says: oki thnx im goin 2 bed now cya

Serendipity says: ok, goodnight maddie

_TimeTurner2 has signed off._

I clicked wearily on the link, resolving to read the first chapter then bookmark it and read the rest tomorrow. It started off fairly well; no ridiculously named characters except for Cassandra Rhiannon Morningstarr, less out-of-character interaction than I'd expected, and all in all it was promising to be a reasonably painless read. I rested my head on my folded arms, blinking up at the screen as word after word slid past my prickling eyes.

I paused as I thought I must've read the same two sentences twice. No, she had written it twice. I made a mental note to point it out to her next time I saw her. Scrolling down, I realised that the rest of the chapter consisted of the same two sentences repeated over and over again.

_Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine.__ Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine. Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine._

I sat up in my chair and frowned, reading the last few words on the page, even though I already knew what they said.

_Jump in, Ellie. The water's fine._

As I read them, the computer screen got brighter and brighter, the black words vanishing, overwhelmed by the intensity of the vivid white back ground. I squeezed my eyes shut as my eyes started watering, reaching blindly for the power button on my computer, but I couldn't even feel my desk in front of me any more. Finally, the glowing waned and I wrenched my eyes open.

I was no longer in my room. I was lying on my back in a wide grassy field. Strange poles with hoops on the end of them rose up fifty feet or more from the ground at each end of the field.

There was a girl leaning over me, holding a bottle of red liquid in her hand. There was a sharp, burning sensation on my tongue and down my throat. _Firewhisky_, I thought blearily, then wondered what the Hell I was going on about.

I sat up, my head spinning, and looked at the girl.

"Ellie! Oh, Ellie, I'm so glad you're okay!" she exclaimed, throwing arms around my neck. I hugged her back, slightly numb with shock. Where on Earth was I?

The girl drew back and replaced the bottle in her robes – robes? Confusion charged into my head and started doing the quickstep with Shock. Then I noticed something even odder.

The girl that had hugged me was Pansy Parkinson.


End file.
